I am now fully ready to admit at nearly 15 weeks pregnant that I am in fact insane. It seems so early to come to that determination, but my suspicion is that I have been insane from week 3 on. The night before I found out that I was pregnant I was seriously thinking about divorcing and then killing my husband because I was stuck in traffic. Then later decided to go to the opening night of Indiana Jones and squirm, complain, and nearly have an anxiety attack in the first half hour of the movie. Needless to say, this did not make sense to me at the time… now it does.
I am struggling right now a little bit because nobody ever told me of the insanity that really happens in your mind. I spent the first trimester puking constantly. I am happy to say that I am through the worst of it. But all of that mixed with this mental problem has got me thinking, how could I not have know that this disenchantment would happen. I do have a complete library of books as well as an amazing doctor and a multitude of women who tell me that they loved being pregnant. I am convinced that these women caught a case of amnesia after the delivery and remember only the first time they heard the heartbeat or felt the baby move. How else would God convince us to do this time and time again?
This blog is not for those women. It is for those of us who put on twenty pounds between the pregnancy test and the first doctor’s appointment. It is for those of us who get our first case of acne since high school. It is for those of us who have such bad digestion problems that we have considered never eating solid foods again. It is for those of us who have considered murdering our husbands in their sleep because we thought that we heard them say moo when we were getting dressed. It is for those of us who cry at every diaper commercial, beautiful song on the radio, passionate dance on So You Think You Can Dance, and when you finally realize that you are slowly growing out of every piece of clothing that you have ever loved. By the way I cried 4 different times yesterday all for different crazy reasons. Hey… but at least I’m not puking!
This is why you need girlfriends who will tell you this stuff. I feel like such a terrible pregnant woman for not being elated constantly at what is going on. Uh oh I think I may cry again. Ok no crying in baseball… no crying in baseball. I don’t have very many women in my life to keep me informed of the stuff that is not in the books and you are too afraid to ask the doctor about. So any advice or foreknowledge would be great. But I do appreciate all of my friends who don’t know what I am going through and still tolerate me. I know that I am snappy, and crabby, and whiney, and emotional, but most of all crazy. I do realize this but I really can’t do much to stop it. I know that if I acted like this when we met, we would not be friends right now. So I appreciate your friendship and support even though if I can’t tell you in person because I would cry … again. So I promise to have great girlfriend advice when this oh so traumatic time hits your life.
I feel so isolated because even though women go through this all the time I feel like no one knows how I feel. (more craziness) That is the worst part. Feeling alone. Feeling left out. Feeling scared. Feeling out of control. Feeling like a bad mother already. No one tells you this will happen.
So I am hoping that this surge of hormones will settle done soon. I think I’ve had more than I can handle. Please don’t get me wrong. I can’t wait to be a mother and see our baby. I guess this is just the initiation hazing for mothers. If I can’t survive this I’ll never survive the teenage years with my kids.
***Please disregard everything you have read above as I am mentally insane at the moment***
Filed under: I'm growing an alien on September 3rd, 2008